Question #1: How do you learn to communicate better with a boyfriend/girlfriend? Spouse?

Part 2 - Boundary Setting:

The second concept that I believe is helpful in improving communication is boundary setting.  Boundary setting applies to all aspects of a relationship - but it is particularly helpful when there are difficult conversations with the other person.  Setting boundaries is primarily for you versus the other person. When you understand that you have control over how you respond to situations, words and/or another person's actions - it can be extremely empowering.

Think of boundary setting as your personal property line. Your neighbor cannot cross onto your property and enter your house without your permission.  So it is with setting boundaries - another person cannot hand you their anger unless you willingly take it upon yourself.   For example: just because the other person decides to get upset with you - you can choose how you will respond.  You can decide to get upset with them as well with an "I'll show them" kind of attitude; or, you can decide to allow them (and you) time to cool off and stay in a positive frame of mind until such time that you both can sit down quietly and discuss the matter.

Boundary setting is about self-control and taking ownership for your own life. It is also about loving others without enabling; or rescuing; or allowing yourself to take on unnecessary guilt.  Typically, lack of proper boundary setting and anger go hand in hand.  Each person must decide to take responsibility for their own attitudes, actions and behaviors. Then ultimately you should choose how you will respond -
so choose wisely.

See Cloud & Townsend, Boundaries in Marriage.
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3200_love.html

Question #1: How do you learn to communicate better with a boyfriend/girlfriend? Spouse?

Great question! There are many techniques with which to improve communication with a loved one. However, for the sake of time, there are three concepts I want to discuss that are extremely helpful; and, when possible, I would suggest taking some time to delve into each one in more depth. The first one is the concept of a "Love Bank". The second one is the concept of boundary settings. The last one is the attitude of winning for the sake of the relationship. Since each concept requires some - explanation - I'll post to the blog in three separate parts.

Part 1 - The Love Bank:

One aspect of the "Love Bank", as its name implies, is one of investing - investing time in understanding the other person. In John 13:34 we are commanded by the Lord to love others as we love ourselves. Think about that for a moment - loving someone as you love yourself. Assuming you love yourself, think about the things you do for yourself. You do certain things for yourself based on self-knowledge - i.e. your

likes and dislikes. So it is when you are in relationship with someone. Study that person until you know their likes and dislikes as well as your own. In addition, just like you have pet peeves and hot buttons - so does that other person. Get to know what these things are as well.

Then the second aspect of the "Love Bank” is to make deposits into that persons "Love Bank". The idea is to make more deposits than you do withdrawals. Just like your bank account in the natural needs to have money in it when you make withdrawals and/or write checks - so does the other person's account need a reserve in order to withstand those times when you do make a withdrawal - perhaps as a result of a disagreement.

A key component of the "Love Bank" is to make the deposits based on what pleases the other person - and not based on-what pleases you. This is not always an easy thing to do - but if the other person reciprocates - then relationship will continue to grow and weather the storms/withdrawals.

See Dr. Harley's website for more information on the "Love Bank" concept.
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3200_love.html